Literacy

Here's a poem I made up for my daughter:

Look! A book!
Learn to read so you don't become a crook!

-Random-

End of Hiatus?

It's been a long time, I let the pen get cold,
Maybe I'm slack...maybe I'm just getting old,

This stone wasn't rolling, guess I gathered some mold,
I really dropped the ball, y'all, truth be told,

But step back now, I'm takin' the ball to the hole,
News flash: this man's on a roll,

Truly, if I may be so bold,
I'm really having fun letting the rhymes take hold.


-Random-

Things You See on a Carton of Silk Soy Milk

Silk carton haiku
better than any of mine
Seriously, damn.

-Random-

What a Life

Married for 5 years through smiles and tears
Never thought life could be like this here
Such a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful wife
Some people never get so lucky their entire life.

She fills me up with all the things money can't buy
I thank God every day she's in love with this guy
Nothing in this world could make it any better
Simply knowing that we'll always be together.

-Random-

Time

Nothing is as it seems
Bad news and shattered dreams

Why do we work so hard?
Every day, punch a card

It's all an illusion
there is no solution

Listen here it's evident
your free time is heaven sent.

-Random-

Cube Farming

This is actually one I wrote a couple years back when I still worked at ADC. I believe this is an excellent commentary on the plight of the lowly cube farmer.



It seems like each day is passing me by
people walk past my cube and don't even say "hi"

Pointing and clicking, shifting & twitching
I'm truly fed up with all the incessant bitching

Consistantly boring, oh damn, was I snoring?
Seems rather obvious, but I'd rather be scoring

There are 214 squares on the conference room ceiling
and if you check out the corner there's a little paint peeling

You want me to do what? You just can't be serious
You must be insane or a tad bit delirious

I'm not doing that, it isn't my job!
Why can't you do it, you damn dirty slob?!!

It's quite an easy task, but I really don't like you
so I'll delay for a week, just so I can spite you

Will that be a problem? I really don't care
Go stick your head in that shredder right over there

Another phone conference? I think I may doze
But at least you can't see me picking my nose

You're obnoxious, obese and your voice is grating
You can bet I don't think of you when I'm masturbating

Every word that your speaking is a huge load of crap
STEP THE F#@K OUT MY CUBE 'CUZ I THINK I MAY SNAP!!!

-Random-

Haiku Block

I have writer's block
so now I write this haiku
Wow, I've broken through

-Random-

Flimsy Whimsy

Whimsical wishes of peace today
that wars we wage will wither away
warheads and weapons where children would play
while widows and women weep while they pray.

-Random-

Gauntlet: THROWN!

The gauntlet has been thrown
For what? Let it be known
JMO can't keep up
can't even hold his own

Hasn't dropped a rhyme
in 66 days
I think he ran away
hands up in dismay

What's going on in this place?
JMO is a disgrace
must be takin'lessons
from wack rappers like Mase

I'll leave you with this:
The battle has begun with this dis
and I insist you should enlist
but for now, this class is dissmissed.

-Random-

Hifalutin Caterpillar

Who, what, when, where, how, WHY?
Why all the questions? What's WITH this guy?
He wanna fly high! He wanna fly high!

Stupid, dumb rototiller,
highfalutin caterpillar,
Look! He's a blogger! Look! He's a blogger!

Now he's eating pencil shavings,
indescriminate sexual cravings,
Time for Daylight savings! Time for Daylight savings!

Pompous, pickeled porcupine pie,
Totally tricked-out turtle dove thigh,
Now he's flyin' high! Now he's flyin' high!

-Random-

2006

It's '06, ring in the new year,
With some great friends and some good beer,
Watch the ball drop, let go a great cheer!
Let the year pass, but keep your friends near.

-Random-

"Lazy Sunday"

Since Josh & I have been so slack about updating our rhymes, I'll leave you all with this excellent rhyme by two of today's hottest hip-hop stars: Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg.

"Lazy Sunday"

It's Official

So now it's official,
Just sign here and here, initial, initial,

Pending a drug test and background check,
I'll be a Norfolk Southern network tech,

Contractor no more, I'm employed as it gets,
Working along side some railroad vets,

Midtown ATL, building named for David R. Goode,
Let's get down to work while I'm still in the mood.

-Random-

Contractor Conversion

So the boss sidles up and simply says, "follow me."
Did no wrong, but still feel a bit uneasy,
Walks the contractor to his office and states,
"Would you like to become a regular employee?" and waits.

"Absolutely. Yes. What do I need to do?"
"Well the job's not posted, but put your resume through."
"and do it quickly, please. Today would be the best."
"Then next week we'll give you a psyschological test."

"That's odd" he thinks, but he really want's the job.
"They're probably just ensuring that I'm not a total knob."
"Well, this is good" he thinks and leans back in his chair.
"I'll get insurance and vacation. It's an answer to my prayers."

-Random-

Truly Ludicrous

Do you know what's truly ludicrous?
A one-armed man who's ambidextrous
a buddist monk who's acrimonious
or a pastor that's felonious.

-Random-

Mmmmmm...meat!

Wow! I like cow!
Don't take away my steak!
I bite in, like POW!
Vegans make my heart break.

-Random-

A Forced Rhyme

I'm not in the mood, don't wanna be rude
so don't ask me to write another rhyme.
I'd rather just sit, than search for some wit
don't act like it's some kinda crime.

I must protest, I figure it's best
It would likely just suck anyway.
In fact I'm sure, it'd be a pile of manure
and I bet you would think it's cliche'.

-Random-

Clowns Suck

The angry clown was upside down
but he still managed to slap the young hound,

The kangaroo jumps, taking his lumps
and knocks the fat clown on the ground,

When suddenly springs some noisy things
beating their wings in a fury,

Calling with caws, they grab him with claws
to drag him before the grand jury,

The session was called, and while he stalled
they found that the clown's name was Percy,

He no longer grinned and knew he had sinned
but they certainly showed him no mercy,

It was the talk of the town, the way it went down
In walked his love-child named Suzy,

The illegitimate-child, was certainly wild
and sprayed the courtroom with a submachine uzi.

-Random-

When

Why do I drive
with my eyes wide
when all I want to do is fly?

Why do I smile
for a little while
when all I want to do is cry?

Why do I go
and spend all my dough
when I know there's no guarantee?

Why do I race
while there is no chase
when I just want to sit by the sea?

Why do I stop
and close up shop
when all I want is to swing for the fences?

Why do I act
contrary to fact
when I just want to drop the pretenses?

-Random-

Insignificant

It feels so
insignificant
what I drink,

It's just so
insignificant
what I think,

It's always so
insignificant
what I do,

Why do I feel
significant
when I'm with you?

-Random-

Gone

I blame the system.
Politicians and leaders.
Management executives.
It's been in the works for years.
There could have been a better way,
to avoid so many tears.

No other skills learned
while I worked on the line.
No other way known,
lost wages and homes.
Payin' into my pension,
I sweat away years at a time.

Typical politicians politely debated
as my life's pension evaporated.
Lulled by their sweet promises
like a nursery rhyme.
Guess I've been incorporated
by a greed never to be sated.

-Random-

I'm a Conserberal, you know, like a libertive.

Some poeple call me liberal-
like it's a bad thing,
Need to compartmentalize me-
it's such a sad thing,
Others call me conservative-
I'm a Jesus freak,
Your right, I'm all the above-
so skip the critique.

-Random-

Leaded Gas

I wanna eat paint chips at 3 in the morn',
why must I be the object of so much scorn?
I want a weeping willow pillow and a live oak bed,
when I open up my eyes I see a mantis on my head.

Now I'm screaming like a girl and running in place,
Don't know where I'm going, it's a huge frickin' space!
Holy moley Stoli, I think I need a shot,
I tried to sneak out, but I totally got caught.

Floating through the sky, cracked my head on a crow,
Thought I was in Kansas, but now I don't know.
Cocked my head back, there's that praying mantis once more,
Creepy little bastard, I had to smash it on the floor.

Laser guided lasers and other techno-riffic crap,
Like motorized candy or an auto-sensing map.
Floating gently down to a sugar beet field,
I'll just stay here forever, where I'm sweetly concealed.

-Random-

All Original

That's it for the archives. The rest will be all new to the web. Believe it....

Pumpernickle Sandwich

It was a warm sunny afternoon,
Beautiful flowers were in bloom,

As I sat and took it all in,
My oversized stomach got to growlin',

I thought to myself, "Self, I need some eats,"
Maybe a steak and potato, or chocolate-coated sweets!

So I heaved my body up off the green grass,
Finished for now, watching time pass,

I stroll to the kitchen and look for some food,
I get a little agitated and start to come unglued,

my agitation rapidly transforms into pure dread,
Because all I see is ham and pumpernickle bread,

WHERE THE F---'S MY BEER AND STEAK AND POTATO?
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING YOU STUPID F-----G H--?!

B----, GET IN THE KITCHEN AND BAKE ME A PIE,
BEFORE I GET PISSED AND DOT YOU IN THE EYE!!!!

-Random-

Ode to de Blue Potato Chip

Oh my blue chip, why are you so sad?
Did you slap your mother or murder your dad?
It's a sad fact that that fat cat slept with your sisters,
but you shouldn't have beat him 'til you got baseball bat blisters.

Screw it, who am I to talk?
All I did was stand there and gawk.
Now they're all outlined in chalk,
because you didn't balk.

Now why is it that the purple moon is so cool,
when mac the knife is a fool?
Let's go play on my stool,
in a pile of your stool.

Mmm, stoooool. Your bedroom's a stinkfest,
Sometimes the rhymes flow best when you think less.
The Grolsch in my belly feels heavy, then foo' drink less.
I think I may puke, like when I listen to John Tesh.

That may have been the most wicked hurl in history.
What I ate for dinner is no longer a mystery.
Well, all except for that pink thing that's blistery.
Sometimes this rhyme's a little tongue-twistery.

I'm sittin' on a hillside picking your ass,
There's a whole lot of dirt and a little bit of grass.
Dr. Potato Head says this dementia will pass,
so I'm not permanently sick, just a little bit crass.

-Random-

Meterization Multiplication

Once a day?
Who's to say?
A train wreck in motion,
So why the commotion?
Completely harmless or so they say,
But why can't there be some other way?
Georgia on my mind, but Saginaw in my heart,
It was quite difficult, but I had to depart,
A renegade plumber takes off his terribly tight trousers,
I think that llamas are cool, but they are horrible mousers,
What the hell is happening to this amazingly out of control rhyme?
Take a second look, I've metered it painstakingly, it's really sublime!

Falling Water

Falling water, so peaceful, so soothing
Never has a dream been quite so moving
The cattails are waving, saying hello
with shimmering minnows swimming below
hot rays of sun in the month of July
billowy clouds in the afternoon sky
The delightful sounds of children at play
A Coke and a smile, a picturesque day

Definitely Random

The following poems are by Random.

Fanatical Fireman

A fanatical fireman flaunted his fifth wheel
While a dastardly doorman delegated a deal
A roaving Roman ran rhythmically in place
While a salivating salesman took up chase
A coniving canary complained unfairly
While a mighty mouse ran about merrily
A lively Lemur leapt around loudly
While a devout dingo stood proudly
A patriotic parrot strummed his giutar
While an ennamored Indian played his Sitar
A grouchy governess guilded a growing gallow
While a fettering farmer flustered over ground that was fallow
A muttering monkey monkeyed around with an unkempt mange
While a jealous jockey jangled a junket and looked quite strange
A hippo who hated heathens hastened to happen by
While a cagy kangaroo collecting carrots started to cry

-JMO-

Favour Bestowed

Favour bestowed upon an undeserving one
An embittered heart of a forgotton son
Returning from an empty and wasted life
A father's dead memory was now rife
Jealous envy was all the brother could give
He turned his back and would never forgive
The father held an elaborate celebration
The neglected son needed explanation
The father appreciated years of devotion
But the lost one's return stirred up emotion

-JMO-

The Boxer

Glancing blows fall off my body
Dreaming of one day being somebody
Beaten down in the corner of the ring
A championship home I couldn't bring
Slumped down in the corner in dejection
Feeling pain and feeling rejection
A nameless fighter trying to break out
Couldn't last three rounds in the undercard bout
Trying to break out it's my only chance
Blindly seeing through a wall of ignorance
Bloody and defiant I can't quit now
I have to get up that's all I know how

-JMO-

Magic Bunnies

I happen to have a stressed out friend
He is not imagined and not pretend
He gets stressed by crap at his job
He gets worked up and he feels like a knob
So I sent him Magic Bunnies to come and play
The magic bunnies came to send his stress away
The magic bunnies are actually a murderous bunch
They take stressful events and annoying people, and eat them for lunch
They take the computer that crashes and slaps it in the face
They spray the annoying guy in the cubical next door with a can of mace
They claw out the eyes of your enemies for fun
Enemies try to get away but the bunnies, they can't outrun
Once they finish terrorizing all the while they play
Your stress gets shredded up and you'll have a better day

Remember Matt. Magic Bunnies.
-JMO-

None Other Than JMO

The following post are poems from none other than JMO.
'nuff said.

Visions of Grandeur and Narcissistic Thoughts

Floating in a boat down on the river,
the fog and the chill making me shiver,
Wasting away time staring at the walls,
interrupted when and asian man calls,
Moving backwards to try and take the lead,
liberation soon comes to a conciousness freed,
Defend yourself against all bodily harm,
just flee the city and move back to the farm,
Riots breaking out in the streets just to make noise,
'cuz boys will be boys when playing with their toys,
Read the New Testament to get inspiration,
and with perspiration you won't curse a nation,
Visions of grandeur are only illusions,
and narcissistic thoughts lead to confusion infusions,
Gashes on your skin hiding deeper pain,
as you rush to the train that came in the rain,
Thinking things over is never a crime,
M.C. Gruff will take a bite out of rhyme,
A positive impact we wish to leave behind,
but we just can't, infact, we're held back by our mind,
Forgetting events you wish to remember,
still thinking of May, when it is November,
Rebuilding bridges long ago burned,
but ash foundations fail, we eventually learn.

-JMO-
-RANDOM-

Lasers, Fancy Lads, and Cool Points...Oh My!

Digital rays defending air and land,
I'll call it a "laser," just as we planned,
Popstars running around in expensive cars,
While Ben Affleck runs 'round in expensive stars,
Fancy lads frollicking around aimlessly,
Drinking cheap wine and getting along famously,
Forgetting what it feels like to be normal,
Penguins are smug and a little too formal,
Afraid of waking up from my nightmare,
Repeatedly screaming, "I don't belong there, I swear!"
Holding on and not letting go,
and all the cool points are out the window,
Saying goodbye for the last time today,
"Help me be stronger tomorrow," I pray,
Raining down a blaze of glory from the ground up,
Reinbold ate candy and got a little wound up,
Fragile stickers cover a busted box,
while ticking clocks taunt the harried flocks,
You don't know me so well,
but you'll soon think I'm swell.

-JMO-
-Random-

Ode to Nick & Tim

"TIM & NICK"

Our Friends have small weiners
They remind me of pipe cleaners
It's hard to believe that Tim would marry
He is such a tard and his third nipple is harry
Nick is a fatty who neglects me and Matt
I can't believe his woman puts up with that
They never call us or even drop us a letter
Me and Matt make time, we are much better
So even though you guys blow goat balls and totally suck
I still love you numnutz's and wish you luck
So write us once in a while and make some calls
Or next time I see you fools, I'll kick you in the balls

---Josh---



"Slick Nick & Big Sig"

Josh, I think it has something to do with the fact that they're balding,
Without any protection their little brains must be scalding,
They're a huge waste of space, well, they must be good for something,
Then again, help me out, because I can think of nothing,
Maybe they don't like us, or don't think we're cool,
but Tim's an ass clown & Nick is a tool,
Grand Crapids is gay, but just to be fair,
...you probably knew that, it's why you moved there,
Escape the "Rust Belt," the midwest is on ice,
Check out Atlanta, you shouldn't think twice,
I know you meant to call 'cuz you're really swell guys,
but continue to ignore me and I'll gouge out your eyes,
I know you won't call me, you chronic masturbator,
Just don't be a dick, come visit me in Decatur.

---Random---

Going Cowboy

Going cowboy to command and conquer
will it chafe? That's a thought you should ponder
Reading the funny papers looking for Beatle Bailey
trying to explain myself to other people daily
Punching the clock dreaming through the day
skipping work, concerning who it may
Flipping through the atlas looking for a new state of mind
I find that state of mind is mine to redefine in time
Writing out a new story one word at a time
Fighting an allegory one-third of the rhyme
Dreading waking up and staring at that clock
Dreaming of summer, hanging feet off a dock
Grinding to a halt a new task at hand
Rhyming to a fault while few go as planned
Watching the news checking out progress
Filling the pews and to all God bless

-JMO-
-Random-

Collaboration Station

JMO & I (Random) had publish several of our poems at http://www.matthewsommer.com/poems.htm

Well, here they are again, as some might say, in all their glory.

First, will be a group of several done as collaborations. As typical of our collaboration style, these are typically done blind, with one of us doing first, all the odd lines, and then the other coming through later, sometimes days or weeks later and filling in the even lines. Typically, they're signed so that the top name indicates who started the poem and the bottom name indicates who filled in the other lines.